October is a pretty full month. In addition to bringing Halloween, October is also Breast Cancer Awareness Month, as well as Infant and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month.
Somehow, October feels like the perfect month to discuss these kind of personal hurts. The weather is gentler. Our coffees are sweeter. We’re wrapped in soft scarves and the days are even shorter. It’s as if the whole season has conspired to create a safe place to be who we are.
I went costume shopping with my daughter the other day. Racks and racks of fairy wings and masks and scary things. They are all designed with the idea that, for one day, we can pretend to be someone else. Not a “work from home” housewife, but a princess or a superhero or a Crayon. (Don’t ask me why, but there is a whole section for that.)
As I look around, and I think about all that this month means, it occurs to me that some people pretend to be someone else more often than not.
The two issues we’re talking about this month, the death of a little one and breast cancer, are deeply personal losses. They deal with personal parts of you, they happen inside your body, and they can be fraught with a lot of guilt and shame.
Of the two issues this month represents, Pregnancy and Infant Loss is the one that strikes closest to our hearts here at Gift of Life. One of our longtime caseworkers spoke about her personal experience with pregnancy loss in a previous post:
“I felt defeated. My family members and my friends were all having normal, healthy pregnancies and normal, healthy babies and I started to get really angry. What had I done to deserve this curse? Had I been that bad of a person that God was punishing me? Going through the excitement of a positive pregnancy test, to the deep sorrow of feeling this little life inside of me starting to fade, time and time again, was very difficult to survive.”
This kind of pain might be hard to wear on our sleeves every moment of every day. So we “put on a mask,” not to be deceitful, but because sometimes, we need to hide.
I hide a little, too. I deal with my own subject to grieve. My husband has a chronic illness. We have good days and bad and our life is filled with blessings. Filled with blessings. (It’s worth stating twice). But our lives include an element of loss and, therefore, an element of grief. I don’t talk about it often, because it is a long and complicated story.
However, I recently started attending a Bible Study. It’s a wonderful group of welcoming women. After attending for several weeks, I finally shared with them, as a prayer request, that my husband has a chronic illness. They were perfectly kind and gave the statement the right amount of pause and concern.
After I said it, I began to tremble a little, and when we started to pray, I started to cry. Now, it wasn’t a particularly hard week with his illness, but up until that point I had been attending the class “in disguise.” I was the funny girl with interesting answers, funky glasses, and slightly out of control hair.
But when I told them my struggle, I was “taking off my mask” and showing them who I really was. A person who hurts. A person who doesn’t have it all together.
As an adoption agency, we have worked with several adoptive moms who have experienced miscarriages and infertility, as well as birth moms who have lost their little ones to miscarriages. We have held hands, counseled, and cried with many women over this issue. We are honored that we were able to be there when their masks came off.
Talking through these issues makes me look at Halloween in new ways. It makes me wonder, what this holiday is like for those who have suffered a miscarriage? This night can’t be easy for them, when the streets are filled with miniature Elsas and tiny adorable Ninja Turtles.
This Halloween let’s keep in mind what this month represents, and think of those who might be hurting. Let’s offer them an ear to listen, our thoughts and prayers, and, when needed, let’s comfort them with Candy Corn and Reeses Pumpkins. 🙂
Let’s try to keep the spirit of October a little longer this year. Let’s be as gentle as the weather, as sweet as our coffee. Let’s be as comforting as our scarves and keep accounts as short as the days. And, when with true friends, let’s take off our masks, look each other in the eye and comfort one another with Candy Corn.
Happy October and Happy Halloween.
