My daughters were 2 and almost 4 years old when they came to us as biological sisters through the foster care system. They wanted to know more about their background but there were gaps I could not fill. I didn’t have much information to offer. Their background seemed to be filled with blank spots that could only be filled with the truth.
I knew their birth mother loved them, and I knew it was important that they knew that as well. I shared the few pictures of their birth parents that I had. I shared the few greeting cards that their birth mother had sent while they were in foster care. I shared as much as I could, because, I knew, it was important to them.
I wished that they’d had more, but I could understand why I didn’t. I know that for the birth mom losing her children, in the way she did, made it very difficult for her to write letters or send cards. After all, what could she say? How would you explain this tragedy to your children?
I came to realize, if their birth mother didn’t write often, it was because she may have needed to distance herself, it was not because she didn’t care. It was because she didn’t know what to say. It was because talking about this part of her past was probably painful and not an easy task.
Grief is different for everyone and we all move through it at a different pace and in different ways. She had to let her process and heal at her own pace.
This article is a great example how one birth mom worked through her feelings on sending updates. And where to start when you don’t know what to say.
