5 Questions Birth Moms Hate to Hear
Birth mothers often have a difficult time having a conversation with someone else about their decision to place a child for adoption. She wants to share her side of the story and spread awareness about the challenging and brave decision she made for her baby. Unfortunately, it is relatively common for her to hear statements that hurt her feelings or to encounter questions that are completely rude during these conversations. It can be enough to make her put up a wall and refuse to discuss her painful choice even with the people who are closest to her.
The words that we choose to speak to birth mothers have tremendous meaning and value. If you have a birth mother in your life and would like to have a conversation with her about adoption, you should know how to broach the subject politely. Here are the five things that birth moms hate to hear.
Did you give your baby away because you just didn’t want it?
Too many people have this preconceived notion that a birth mother gives away her baby because she just doesn’t want it anymore. They believe that she viewed the child as an inconvenience to her life. This myth couldn’t be further from the truth, and it is painful for a birth mother to hear this statement uttered in regards to her choice.
The reality is that a birth mother chooses adoption because she believes that it is the very best option for her child’s future. She didn’t feel like she could give the child everything she could possibly want for them, so she chose to allow another family to raise them. Her reasons for doing so are completely unique and highly personal, so you may not be privy to hearing them. However, you should still know that it had nothing to do with wanting the baby. Most birth mothers desperately want their baby but make the courageous decision to give their child a better future instead.
Are you going to take the baby back one day?
This question is born out of a misunderstanding of how an adoption works. A birth mother might reach a point in her life where she is stable and ready to raise a child in the future. To other people, this might mean that she is in a position to take back the child that was placed for adoption and begin to raise him or her as her own. Legally, this is not possible once the adoption is finalized. The adoptive family is their legal family for the rest of the child’s life.
Furthermore, a birth mother made the decision to place her child for adoption because she believed that she was giving her baby the best possible chance in life. She isn’t going to want to disrupt their present and their future by interfering with the stability of their family. Birth mothers always want the best for their children, even when it is difficult for them.
Will you place all of your children for adoption?
Many people will want to know what a birth mother’s plan is for future children. They assume that a birth mother will continue to choose adoption for each and every pregnancy she experiences over the course of her lifetime. While some women may continue to choose adoption for unplanned pregnancies, some will choose to raise future children. The circumstances of her life may change dramatically over the years, granting her the stability that she needs to give her children a bright future.
It is a highly personal question to ask how a birth mother plans to handle her future pregnancies. Keep in mind that adoption is a painful process for a birth mother. She isn’t in a hurry to relive the experience of placing a child with another family and entering into the grieving process all over again.
Don’t you love your child?
Of course, a birth mother loves her child. She loves them so much that she made the painful decision to give them the best possible life she could. Placing a child for adoption isn’t a matter of whether she loved them or not. It was simply about doing the very best thing for the child and knowing that she would have to love them from a distance.
Can’t you just move on after you place the child?
A lot of people believe that a birth mother should be able to just move on with her life after the child is officially placed with the adoptive family. After all, she knew this was coming for close to nine months and could anticipate the day. Unfortunately, it isn’t as easy as just getting back to your old daily routine. There is an incredible sense of loss that follows losing a child to adoption, and the birth mother will need to work through her grief slowly.
She will slowly make the transition back into normal daily life, but you need to remember that she needs her space to process through that loss for a while. The grieving process looks different for everyone so be patient. Some days might be better than others as she works toward healing. Being a patient friend or family member will be very appreciated during this time of healing for a birth mother in your life.
Having a conversation with a birth mother about her choice to pursue adoption can be challenging for well-meaning friends and family members. These women often encounter some very insensitive remarks and questions from those who are trying to understand her situation better. Avoiding some of these common and offensive questions can be a great way to avoid an angry and hurtful conversation with a birth mother that you care about.
Instead, focus on giving her space to share her story freely without interference from you. You can ask what led to her choosing an adoption plan and give her the freedom to share what she is comfortable with. She will definitely appreciate the nonjudgmental atmosphere that accompanies that type of conversation.